Ebb and Flow

Silly, silly girl. Don't you know that whining and complaining only leads to more shit to whine and complain about? Just as soon as I finish writing my 2nd blog entry moaning about my trials and tribulations with the mailbox at Christmas time, the FedEx driver appears at my door with a package. Oooohhhh, I thought, maybe someone sent me a Christmas present! Oh, it was a present alright, from your friend and mine, Freedom Drug. I opened it up and inside there were shots! And there were alcohol swabs! And the Puregon Pen! (Okay, so I was mildly and strangely excited about that one...not sure why.) So, after opening it and checking to make sure all the contents were there, I did what any other self respecting IVFer does...I lined everything up on the counter and took a picture. Then I put the stuff that needs to be refridgerator into the fridge and the rest I swept back into the box and into the linen closet. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

It's weird how sometimes when the IVF fairy starts buzzing around my head I get almost overwhelmed with anxiety. I worry about whether it will work, I feel guilty about spending the money, I wonder whether it will be painful and if it will all be worth it in the end. But then at other times, I am completely ambivalent about the whole thing. I just sort of put everything out of my mind. I stay away from IVF bulletin boards and google, I leave my IVF books on the shelf, and I just sort of stumble around my "regular" life instead. It's odd how my emotions that surround this process have sort of had an ebb and flow to them.

I think I can thank Dr Wang for some of my ability to relax during this stressful time. Dr Wang is my acupuncturist and yes, that is his real name. I am only revealing that because 1) Wang is a pretty common Chinese name, so hopefully that isn't a big clue as to my identity and 2) my husband thinks the irony of his name is HILARIOUS. He especially likes it when we are in mixed company and someone says to me What are you doing tomorrow night? and I say I have an appointment with Dr Wang. Before I get the chance to explain that Dr Wang is my acupuncturist, D jumps in and grins, puts his hands on his hips and juts his pelvis out and says That's right! She has an appointment with DR WANG tomorrow night, and then he starts moving his hips around in an obscene fashion. He does this every time Dr Wang's name comes up. Poor Dr Wang...If he only knew.

Anyway, I love acupuncture...I highly recommend it. It takes a lot to calm me down and put me in a meditative state. Some people go to church for that. Or the gym. Or shopping. I go to Dr. Wang. So, that's where I'll be tonight...getting my reflective holiday groove on and ignoring the fact that there is a big box of syringes in my linen closet. Of course, I reserve the right to start freaking out again at any moment. In fact, I plan on it. Ebb and flow, ebb and flow...