Bitch and Moan

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I never did. When I was in college and people would ask me what career path I planned on pursuing when I graduated, I would get so flustered and annoyed. I didn't want to tell them I had no idea for fear of what they would think of me. It's not that I'm totally unmotivated or uninspired. It's just that many of the things that I'm passionate about don't necessarily have lucrative careers associated with them. So, I decided that graduate school was the solution to my situation. What's another student loan and a few more years of school, right? Fast forward to the present and here I am with a master's degree, student loans, and a job that kind of sucks. Actually, it's not that my job is awful or anything. I make good money and I have some seniority here, but I don't feel fulfilled. I just go through the motions every day and then I go home. After you've been doing the same thing for almost a decade, it's easy to get yourself stuck in a rut. It's all become so routine. I know deep in my heart that I need to be doing something else, I just need to figure out what that "something else" is.

I'm not just whining about my job here. I do actually have a point and here it is. I may not know what I want to do for a living, but I do know that I've always wanted to be a mother. Always. My whole "life plan" has always revolved around getting married and raising a family. I'm fortunate enough to come from a really tight family, so family is extremely important to me. I had a feeling when I got married that it would take me a while to get pregnant, but I never imagined in my worst nightmares that it would take this long or be this devastating. And now here I am, essentially at the end of my journey to mommyhood and I find myself realizing that this may never happen for me. I'll never be one of those multiple IVFers because our insurance doesn't cover it. You can only afford to pay out of pocket so many times. Adoption is an option, but it is so expensive too. Since we have already depleted our savings for IF treatment, it would take us a few years to save up enough money for that to even be an option. I'm trying so hard to stay positive throughout all of this. I know that is important. But I can't help but wonder: If I can't be a mother someday, then what will I be? I truly have no idea.