2dp6dt

I've read so many blogs that refer to the ivf process as being a "mindfuck" and I thought to myself Ha, that's a pretty appropriate phrase for it. I mean, the whole 2ww thing is awful, the not knowing, and agonizing over the "to test or not to test" question. It will be the longest two weeks of my life, I thought. But now that I've actually going through it, I think that the true roller coaster ride occurs between retrieval and transfer. How many eggs did they get? How many fertilized? To ICSI or not to ICSI? How much Gatorade? OHSS? Is this cramping, spotting and bloating normal? PIO shots. How many cells do they have by day 3? How much fragmentation? Day 3 or day 5 transfer? How many to freeze? How many made it to blast? Assisted Hatching or not? Bedrest or not? Mindfuck barely covers the anguish and stress that has been my life for the past week.

So long story short, I was scheduled for a day 5 transfer. That is, until they called me to tell me my two sweeties were still at the "early blast" stage and they wanted to wait one more day to see how they developed. Also, three of the heavily fragmented embies made it to the morula stage and they wanted to watch them also. Honestly, I didn't have the energy to argue about it. So, I went home and started the whole pre-transfer worrying process again for the 2nd night in a row.

Next morning we headed to the RE's office. Here's the good part about my RE: They do everything on site. The building has 3 stories, with the waiting room and dildo cam rooms on the 2nd floor. This is the floor with the waiting room that is busier than Grand Central Station on some mornings. I hate this waiting room. The 3rd floor is where the lab is located. I was never sure what was on the first floor. During all my IUIs and all of my IVF monitoring, I would pass by the mysterious double doors and take take the elevator to the 2nd floor, always wondering what went on on the first floor. Now I know what is behind those double doors: the VIP waiting room.

This waiting room is for people who are checking in for retrieval or transfer only. There are no women with squirming toddlers, no newbies in their cute outfits filling out papers attached to a clipboard, no women chatting away on their cell phones. In fact, there was NOBODY in there at all. The furniture was soft and comfortable, modern with a masculine feel to it...very clean lines and simple yet sophisticated. They play classical music and they have the newest and nicest magazines available for your perusal. You can wear your ugliest but most comfortable pajama pants, your outdated glasses and not a stich of makeup in there and nobody will ever know. You are sequestered away from all the hustle and bustle of the rest of the building. I LOVE the VIP waiting room.

So, there I was, sitting on the stylish leather couch in my not so stylish pajama pants, enjoying the effects of my prescribed Valium and obediently drinking my water. When they were convinced that my bladder was adequately full, they took me back to the same little curtained off room that I was in for my retrieval. I changed into my gown and off we went for the transfer.

The embryologist came in and told me we had 2 "good quality" blasts. The rest of them arrested, so we had nothing to freeze, which came as no surprise. I was prepared for that, and quite frankly, because of the high level of fragmentation I wasn't sure that we should have kept them anyways. Next she did something that I didn't see coming...She gave me a picture of my two embies. I took it from her and stared and stared at it, stroking the corners and analyzing every little bubble, every bump and ridge. I held it tightly against my chest. I nuzzled it a little with my nose. I sort of whispered to them under my breath, telling them how much I love them already and begging them to please stay strong and find a way to stay with me through this. I knew that this may be the closest thing I would ever get to having a baby picture, and I am so grateful that they gave it to me.

The transfer was very easy, much easier than the trial transfer. I guess I have the valium to thank for that. We went home afterwards and I stayed on bedrest for the rest of the day. Now I'm back at work, 2dp6dt I have to say, I am actually relieved to be in the 2ww because at this point, there is nothing else that I can do but wait. I was totally convinced that I would never make it to transfer, and am still surprised that I actually did. The worst of the drama is behind me now (at least, as far as I know) and I am prepared for a negative at the end of this cycle. In fact, I expect it. But for now, I am trying to enjoy the fact that for the first time in my entire life, there was/is life inside of me. That, in itself, is truly a miracle.