Rambling Thoughts

It still hasn't sunk in yet. I definitely haven't used the "P" word yet. I don't feel any different physically other than a little bloated and a little constipated. And my boobs hurt when I'm lying in bed at night. But other than that, I would swear to you that this is all really just a dream.

I had my 2nd beta today and the number tripled to 2388. What does that even mean? I would suspect multiples, of course, but other than that I am clueless. Is it bad that my numbers are rising so quickly?

We are all experts in the area of reproductive endocrinology. Any woman who has experienced at least a year of infertility and has access to a computer probably knows as much about the field as any expert. Okay, well maybe not as much, but we know a lot. But my area of expertise ends at the end of the two week wait. I've never made it farther than that. Now that I have, I am a complete moron in the matters of all things pregnancy. And to complicate it more, I don't want to research anything because I feel like I'll jinx it if I do.

After the feelings of confusion come the feelings of guilt. It's hard to be happy when so many of my IF sisters are still out there struggling. I'm sorry if the news of my positive beta hurt anyone when they read it. I'm sorry because I know how it feels to be simultaneously happy for someone else and sad for yourself. It's hard to smile through clenched teeth, I know.

Sometimes it is hard to know what to say. So I just wanted to say Thank You. Thank you for your well wishes and your support. For your encouragement and your enthusiasm. And for your grace and your resilience. I appreciate it more than you know. Thank you so much...