It was a long week. My husband and I spent the first part just being completely pissed off that this has happened. Every swear word we could think of crossed our minds and flew off of our lips at a rapid pace.

But then the realization set in that no matter how upset we were about it, this was happening. As unfair as it all is, this is our reality now and we are going to have to live with uncertainty and fear for the next four months. If we're lucky, we can let it go after that.

We saw a genetic counselor on Friday. After she told us that finding out whether the baby has CF or not will not change my prenatal care at all and that nothing can be done about it if the baby was positive for the disease, we decided to forgo the amnio. We figured that if it doesn't change anything, that the doctors don't need to know and nothing can be done to help prenatally, then why risk the chance of miscarriage. Besides, this may be the only pregnancy I ever get. I'd never forgive myself if we did the amnio just to alleviate our fears now rather than later and I ended up miscarrying a perfectly healthy baby.

So we went home. And I pulled some frozen spaghetti sauce out of the freezer to thaw for dinner. And when I looked up to see my husband standing on the other side of the kitchen, sobbing with his head in his hands, I went to him. And for the first time in our marriage, he pulled away from me.

We're both scared. And we're both tired and frustrated and trying desperately to be optimistic and happy, but it is hard. It makes me second guess our decision to forgo the amnio. And it makes me second guess why we ever did this in the first place. When I think back to that first BBT chart, it seems like a million years ago. I don't know how we've made it this far. I never knew it would be so hard. This whole journey has tested our marriage to the nth degree, and only now am I starting to see the cracks. That scares me too.

So I guess we don't really know what we're doing right now. We're just hoping for the best and preparing ourselves for the worst. I hope that as time passes, we can be more hopeful and that we can get excited about the prospect of being parents again. I think it will just take some more time.

In the meantime, I wanted to thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments. It means alot, and it is the reason why I continue to blog. I need as much reassurance as I can get, and I appreciate it so, so much. Things will get better, and odds are that everything is fine. But, for now we just need to let things soak in a little bit more.