Finally

Last night I couldn't sleep, as usual. Between the constant overthinking of things, my husband's incessant snoring and the urge to urinate about every twenty minutes, it is hard to get any rest at all. So, I just laid there, and began yet another mental preparation of the horrible things to come at my first ultrasound.

All last night and again this morning, I thought about how this pregnancy was probably never real anyway. I haven't really had any symptoms (other than the pee thing) so it's not like my body was telling me otherwise.

Then I thought about all the places we would travel to if this didn't work out. And all the fancy restaurants we could go to and not worry about baby sitters.

I thought about how any impending bad news could finally be my "closure". I could rest assured that I had done everything in my power to get pregnant and I could live my life without regret. We have tried everything and if it wasn't enough, well, then this just wasn't meant to be.

I was still thinking this stuff as I sat on the couch at SNATCH. Still thinking it when they called my name fifteen minutes later. Still thinking it when my doctor inserted the ultrasound and I lay there, staring at the ceiling and clutching my husband's hand.

And then there it was. The most beautiful image. The tiniest flicker, just barely visable but strong none the less.

I stared at the image for the longest time, holding my breath and waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it never did. I think I've been figuratively holding my breath for a long time because when the doctor walked out of the room, I looked at my husband and I let out the longest, deepest sigh of my life. It felt like the weight on my shoulders was just a little bit lighter.

Heartrate was 168 bpm and our next scan is in 3 weeks. I'm sure I'll preoccupy myself once again with DBTs before then, but for now I think I'm finally convinced. I'm pregnant. Finally.