The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get

I think I'm doing this wrong. The whole pregnancy thing, that is.

I guess it has taken me a long time to come full circle. When I saw those two lines for the first time, I convinced myself that surely there was something wrong with the test. Before each ultrasound, I was positive that I would receive the horrible news that there was no heartbeat, that the sac was shrinking and reabsorbing back into my body. I didn't tell anyone about my pregnancy until I was 14 weeks, and even then I was apprehensive about it, convincing myself that somehow I was jinxing things.

Even when my body started to change and it was obvious to others that I was in fact with child, I remained apprehensive. I kept buying clothes one size larger rather than succumb to the elastic band of maternity pants. My bras? Well, let's just say I'm down to two and both of them need to be put out to pasture.

I started feeling movement at about twenty weeks, and only then did it occur to me that this might actually happen. So, I've sort of been revelling in that fact for the last few weeks.

Apparently, according to the "normal mommies", I should be doing a lot more. I should have been signing up for hospital tours and prenatal classes. I should be creating a baby registry. I should be decorating the nursery and buying baby clothes.

It just recently occured to me that I'm 26 weeks along and I haven't done any of those things. In fact, I've done nothing to ready myself or my home for this baby.

Maybe that's not such a bad thing though. I mean, who wants to go to those birthing classes that just scare the hell out of you anyways? I can barely watch "Baby Story" for god's sake. Plus, I get so freaking overwhelmed the second I darken the door of Babies R Us. I don't even know what I should be shopping for. I'm completely ignorant of all things baby.

I think these thoughts all the time, and then right on cue she starts rolling and flipping, punching and kicking and I think to myself, who am I kidding? This baby is coming, whether I ignore it or not. Perhaps it is time to let go of all my fears and doubts and actually start getting ready for this.

Maybe I'll start small. I'll just buy some onesies or something. Everyone loves onesies, right? They're so cute and small. Then maybe I can move on to nursery furniture. I think she'll need a crib, right? Eventually I can work my way up to boppies and basinettes, crib sheets and diaper genies. But don't get me started on breast pumps. Not unless you want to freak me out all over again.

It's kind of funny actually. I have wanted this for so long...this pregnancy, this baby. And now that it is finally here, I've never been more unprepared for anything in my entire life.